I wanted to die

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For a long time I wanted to die. I wanted to disappear because something was taken from me. I couldn’t stand knowing that I was broken and terrified and those people who did this to me were out there living their lives without a second thought of how they destroyed mine.

I was sexually assaulted.

My life changed in that single moment.

I went from being a human full of life and seeing the beauty in the world to being scared, hateful, and empty.

I had collapsed. Given up.

I couldn’t even go to the bathroom by myself. I couldn’t leave my bed. I couldn’t take my poor puppy out by myself.

I was afraid of everything.

Even my own shadow.

I had night terrors every night. I would wake up screaming and crying multiple times in the night. I never thought I would move past this. I attempted suicide. I had hit new lows I never thought were possible.

And then one day I decided I was going to hike the PCT. A 2,650 mile long trail from the border of Mexico to Canada.

Now here I am.

Three years later.

Doing exactly that.

Today is still difficult. Today I still cried.

To the men who have assaulted me: You took away my worth, my privacy, my energy, my time, my safety, my intimacy, my confidence, my own voice, my life… until now.

Now.. I am a different person.

Today I am

Strong.

Resilient.

Tenacious.

Powerful.

I am not what happened to me. I am who I chose to become now. Who I chose to inspire and support and love.

For those who are reading this…

Don’t be ashamed of your story. It will inspire others. I was told I was crazy to attempt this, and sometimes I still think I am, but the messages I get from others saying how I helped them get out of bed that day or that I inspire them to keep fighting, keeps me going.

I’m doing this damn thing. I’m raising money for others like me who need help like I needed it. I am here for you. I am here for myself. I show up everyday hiking miles for myself and other survivors and I am going to finish this crazy adventure 💕💕💕

My emotions on trail can still change pretty quickly, going from smiling at sunsets and goofing off, to crying in my tent for an hour. I will keep pushing, keep walking. I won’t give up. I will never give up on this, because giving up means I’m giving up on me. And I will never give up on myself again.

Hi everyone, my name is Alyssa Kroeker and I am hiking the Pacific Crest Trail to raise awareness and funds for sexual assault survivors. The PCT is a 4,270km continuous foot path from the Mexican/Californian border through Oregon and Washington up to Manning Park in Canada. This will take me a projected 6 months. I will be able to keep people posted on my journey through my website  and instagram.

Please donate to my GoFundMe Campaign.

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