For a long time I wanted to die. I wanted to disappear because something was taken from me. I couldn’t stand knowing that I was broken and terrified and those people who did this to me were out there living their lives without a second thought of how they destroyed mine.
I was sexually assaulted.
My life changed in that single moment.
I went from being a human full of life and seeing the beauty in the world to being scared, hateful, and empty.
I had collapsed. Given up.
I couldn’t even go to the bathroom by myself. I couldn’t leave my bed. I couldn’t take my poor puppy out by myself.
I was afraid of everything.
Even my own shadow.
I had night terrors every night. I would wake up screaming and crying multiple times in the night. I never thought I would move past this. I attempted suicide. I had hit new lows I never thought were possible.
And then one day I decided I was going to hike the PCT. A 2,650 mile long trail from the border of Mexico to Canada.
Now here I am.
Three years later.
Doing exactly that.
Today is still difficult. Today I still cried.
To the men who have assaulted me: You took away my worth, my privacy, my energy, my time, my safety, my intimacy, my confidence, my own voice, my life… until now.
Now.. I am a different person.
Today I am
I am not what happened to me. I am who I chose to become now. Who I chose to inspire and support and love.
For those who are reading this…
Don’t be ashamed of your story. It will inspire others. I was told I was crazy to attempt this, and sometimes I still think I am, but the messages I get from others saying how I helped them get out of bed that day or that I inspire them to keep fighting, keeps me going.
I’m doing this damn thing. I’m raising money for others like me who need help like I needed it. I am here for you. I am here for myself. I show up everyday hiking miles for myself and other survivors and I am going to finish this crazy adventure
My emotions on trail can still change pretty quickly, going from smiling at sunsets and goofing off, to crying in my tent for an hour. I will keep pushing, keep walking. I won’t give up. I will never give up on this, because giving up means I’m giving up on me. And I will never give up on myself again.
Hi everyone, my name is Alyssa Kroeker and I am hiking the Pacific Crest Trail to raise awareness and funds for sexual assault survivors. The PCT is a 4,270km continuous foot path from the Mexican/Californian border through Oregon and Washington up to Manning Park in Canada. This will take me a projected 6 months. I will be able to keep people posted on my journey through my website and instagram.
Please donate to my GoFundMe Campaign.